Since this is the closest thing I have to a journal.....

I think most of my posts are really really good memories. But this is life and we all have obstacles. So some (not allot) of my posts might be pretty deep. For you that know me, you know that one of my flaws is forgiveness. I have the hardest time forgiving those that have hurt me. I battle with this. I am always trying to do better and in most situations I think I have improved (not 100% but improvement). The one area that I am having the hardest time with is my dad. I love my dad so much but our relationship the last 13 years has been so rocky. Stuff has happened in my life that I do not want to talk about to much that is just so hard for me to forget. I keep trying with my dad and then I get scared and upset and back off. Or he would back off and we would never hear from him.
I see that my dad over the last 8 months has tried to better himself. He seems like he might be getting better. I see him being there for people in a way that I have always wanted in my life. I see that he truly wants to change. I decided (I do not know the outcome) but I wanted to start going to counseling with him. We went for our first visit on Tuesday (Sept. 9, 2008). It went really good. We did not really touch any subjects too much but it was a good start. Later that night we text each other about how we felt the session went. I told him that I just do not think that he really knows who I am. You have no idea the woman that I am today and what I stand for or became. He text me back saying "I want to know the girl that I fell in love with the day she took her first breath". That made me cry...because I do not really know my dad either and want to know the dad that I grew up with when I was little. He was so funny. I remember when he taught music in primary....his stick figure people were my favorite. He always made us laugh. Well, I know I am just rambling along. I really did not want to get into this to much. I was trying to get to what happened the next morning...
Wednesday at 3:30AM, my sister Lindsay called me and she said dad had collapsed and he was on his way to the hospital in an ambulance right now. They think he had a seizure. I went and picked her up and we met Alyssa at the hospital. When we got there they told us that he did have a seizure and that with the cat scan they did they have found some blood on the brain. When we would go and visit him he asked each one of us what day it was. He could remember long term stuff but had a hard time with the short term. They admitted him in the hospital and we stayed there ALL day. It has been a long time since all of us were in the room together. We were all there except for Curtis. It was a day of just waiting for some answers and doing more tests. And at this point we still do not really have any. We became so tired, us girls giggled the whole day (which I am sure did not help my dad's massive headache that 2 doses of morphine and other medications did not even help) My dad slept allot but then he would wake up and ask us what we have all been up to and what should we talk about now? (he was worried about entertaining us) I do not think he wanted us to leave. We were so exhausted and we did not make sense, some of our words were quite funny. Lindsay kept trying to say Neo- surgeon (I can not spell) instead she kept saying Neo-Surger! lol...we laughed about that every time. At one point Me, Lindsay, Alyssa, Trebor (my step brother, and his wife ) Nikki were all laying on the floor, chairs, and heater vent we were so tired. We thought at that point we could sleep on anything. But as soon as we hit the floor us girls started giggling again and we could not sleep. D.J. stood next to my dad's bed and just watched him sleep most of the day. He was really worried about him. We all were. As I watched my dad sleep, I just would have never guessed that we would be where we are today. I do not know him and his battles he has to deal with every day. If he was to die...would I speak at his funeral, if I did what would I talk about? I get so mad at him and think if he did not do those things he did....we would be such a close family. Today my dad is still fighting a fever. He is still sleeping allot and the doctors will let us know the MRI results later today.
I do know that this post will surprise allot of people. Some of you may be mad at me for posting this. But, I think sometimes it is best to talk about things to get through them. And this is my life..Sometimes life is not always cheery. I love my father with all of my heart. I am trying to forgive him. I do not want anything to happen to him and have it all end like this.


There is not too many moments at the hospital where you wish you had a camera...but I could not help but take this photo with my phone of Lindsay when we thought we were so funny laying on the HARD hospital floor.